I never connected with my father on an emotional level. He was a good man but appeared to me to be a stranger. My mother had many emotional problems which contributed to bouts of depression, verbal abuse, and five short-lived marriages.

I was never a happy child. I always felt like an “outsider,” never quite knowing where I fit into the family. I remember long periods of depression simply because I carried a sense of hopelessness inside.

Since my mother worked a full-time job, I decided at an early age to take on the responsibilities of home life. Daily I cleaned the house, washed laundry, and sometimes cooked meals and supervised my siblings.

Because of the uncertainty of life, I began to build a vast wall designed to protect myself from the continued hurts that my small world offered. By my teen years, I had deep feelings of mistrust, doubts, confusion, and great anger.

At the age of 14, I discovered by accident that the man whom I identified as “father” actually was not, and that I had carried his last name illegally most of my life. My mother informed me that my biological father had no desire to be part of my life, and this is why she had never told me the truth.

Because of this revelation, hatred began to fester in my heart toward my mother for her lies and toward my father for his abandonment. All I had ever known was transition – growing up with five stepfathers and being emotionally connected in an unhealthy way with my mother. My life slowly began reeling out of control, and I began to turn inward my feelings of hatred toward my parents through destructive behaviors toward my body.

I had always been an overweight boy, so I began to starve myself. Standing 5’6” tall, I went from weighing 185 pounds to 98 pounds in a matter of several months. In a sense, through my starvation, I was controlling my life and destiny. The malnutrition not only turned into a vicious cycle of abuse against my body but my mind, as well. I would look into a mirror and see an ugly, fat person.

Then I began to abuse myself verbally, putting myself down in words and in thoughts. Why did my father abandon me? Why was I not good enough for him to love me? Why was I not able to fully accept my mother’s love without the fear of rejection? Why did I feel as if I were in second or third running with my mother’s husbands or boyfriends? I must be ugly and worthless!

Once the truth of my paternity had been exposed, I set out to discover my natural father's identity. After some investigation, I discovered where he lived and wrote him a letter. Several weeks later, I received a telephone call from my biological father’s wife. She talked with me for a long time and then asked if I would be interested in visiting for a couple of weeks.

I was excited and scared about meeting my father, but because of my insecurities and lack of information about him, I felt extremely intimidated. For the most part, I was not able to see myself as a man. I had no idea how to relate in a healthy way to another man. Instead I had lived my life craving the attention of men because of my own lack of male affirmation.

I became very close to my father’s wife and grew to love her very much. But my father informed me soon after my arrival that he did not believe I was his son. He told me that my mother had not been faithful to him. Yet my mother continued to tell me that he was my biological father. There was a constant pull back and forth between their stories. I lived with my father for about a year.  Not only did I have my own resentments, but I could sense my father’s, as well.

I decided at 16 years old to return home to live with my mother. Once home, I entered into active homosexuality. I had always longed for friendships with other men, but deep down inside, I felt unable to relate to them in a normal way.

Homosexuality offered hope and acceptance for me that I was unable to find with my mother or father. I quickly became addicted to the fast-paced bar scene. Finally, I had found a group of people who accepted me unconditionally.

The alcohol I regularly ingested helped numb the pain, but I still had feelings of guilt when I was sexually active with other men. My guilt told me that I was causing great harm to my body and emotional stability. I finally reached the end of my rope physically and emotionally.

Earlier, three gay friends had given their lives to Christ, and one of the friends began to witness to me. After a few days of soul searching, I decided to accept the free gift of salvation that God was offering. 1 John 1:9 says: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

At the moment I placed my faith in Christ, I was delivered from the anorexia and bulimia that I had struggled with throughout my teen and early adult years. But the homosexual tendencies did not subside immediately. My sexual desires did begin to change, however, as I grew spiritually.

My emotional healing is an ongoing process. It requires walking in the image of our Heavenly Father and becoming more like His precious Son on a daily basis.

The Lord continues to work in my life. Philippians 1:6 says: “He who has begun a good work in you will complete it, until the day of Jesus Christ.” Christ has begun tearing down the walls of protection that I had constructed. He is establishing an identity which is becoming more secure in Him day by day. Praise the Lord for His mercy!

On May 23, 1996, God directed me to begin a ministry outreach for people struggling with homosexuality called Joseph’s Coat Ministries.

In the past year, God has been opening many doors of opportunity for me in the area of evangelism. I have a passion to preach the Gospel while sharing my testimony to those who are in need of hope, regardless of the area of their struggle.

God continues to radically change my life. He’s giving me the desires of my heart that I dared only dream of. I praise God for His love for me and the healing He’s continuing in my life.